Fighting fearlessly the strong pull to lose myself in you, that comfort of living in someone else’s shadow. I manage to find a small glimpse of that light that used to be mine, that used to be me, maybe not the complete me, but me none-the-less.
I remember a glimpse of my own place, very simple and clean. A place with my own alters of trinkets, things I found that used to permeate my soul, a small collection that spoke to my heart, and had found a place in my small abode. Losing me, my things began to scatter over new places mixed scarcely throughout thick, dark and heavy. Squeezing the life out of them, some missing, some left behind, along with the me that used to be.
Ahhhhh but this is a place I have been before, so familiar and comfortable but painful in it’s own right. Living in a shadow of my own choice, my own doing. I wonder why I continue to put myself there. Living in a shadow, dark, quiet, no sound of my own voice, only the voice of the shadow maker.
Perhaps it is easy, to live in a shadow. My voice doesn’t have to be heard, my art doesn’t have to be noticed, critiqued or criticized. But most importantly my voice doesn’t have to be loved or listened to and my art doesn’t have to be seen or pined after. Failure or success, I’m not sure which one feels more frightening.
As easy as it would be to stay, I can’t seem to stay in the shadow. I have such a strong longing to find me. Me with my simple, clean trinkets and my bright happy smile. Me who is just a little shy but won’t shut up if I can feel you are genuine and you show an interest. Me who’s genius is creative and wild but has the ambition and ability to bring it together to create something, maybe a masterpiece or maybe not but something non-the less.
Losing myself in a shadow brings me to a place of discovery, a place of exploring, a place of finding me, my truth. Each loss of myself has turned me completely around to look directly at myself. No longer looking for something outside to find me, I find me again. This time I find a new and different me, waiting to get out and explore the parts of me that were hiding behind the shadow.
Each time I find myself, I vow to never lose myself in someone else’s shadow again. And then a dark and handsome shadow smiles and winks at me from across the room.